The Hills Get Spammed
by Amilya Eclair Farron
Summary: Lizard cursed Goggle for not doing his job. : Co-Written with a Friend :
1. Mary

**Title:** The Hills Get Spammed  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Fandom:** _the Hills Have Eyes  
_**Pairing:** Lizard/Brenda**  
Summary:** Lizard cursed Goggle to hell and back again for not doing his damn job. : Co-Written with a Friend :  
**Word Count:** 739  
**Author's Note:** This idea has been flying around in my head for months now and only now have I [finally] written it down. My friend, who I shall call "Apples", helped me with this. Also, please note that this is in no way making fun of anything or anyone's work.  
**Warnings:** Language. Mary-Sue. OOC-ness.  
**Disclaimer:** _the Hills Have Eyes_ and its characters respectfully belong to Alexandre Aja & Wes Craven. We also used the nickname "Blondie" for Brenda which came from the multi-chapter story of _Abducted _by _Berry's Ambitions_ and _Elena Hurley_. And we definitely do not own [nor want] Mary-Sue. Thank you.

* * *

_The Hills Get Spammed_

* * *

Lizard cursed Goggle to hell and back again for not doing his damn job.

Little does he know that Goggle is going through the same confrontation that he's having, albeit a bit differently. Then again, Goggle – at the moment – wasn't in a relationship (not that he knows of, anyway) and so it's not as if he has anything to worry about should his non-existent girlfriend catch the crazed bitch that was sexually harassing him and mistaking it as anything else but.

Fortunately enough for Lizard, he _does_ have a girlfriend.

And he was _trying_ to be nice (seriously, "nice" was not in his vocabulary but he was making an effort for her) by not killing her yet the more she babbled on the more he just wanted to choke her to death with his spike strip.

That, or connect his fist with her jaw. Because he did promise that he wouldn't kill (but how the fuck did he get roped into that? … Oh, right).

"Oh, Lizard~" The voice, sickly sweet, says in a sing-song kind of tone and it makes him fucking cringe because of it. _Cringe_. And that's completely out of character for him. Fuck. What the hell? Why couldn't this bimbo wander into Hades' territory? Her giggle sends his skin crawling and he – not so absentmindedly – grips the spike strip a bit tighter. "You're, like, so amazing and hot and incredible. Did you know that?"

… It's clear that it's been said before, but what the _fuck?_ Who did this chick think she was?

It wasn't any of her business, but… "I have a girlfriend." His voice was rough, more so than usual, that told her to back off and leave him alone. Maybe she'd get the hint and leave. But it was doubtful seeing how persistent she was…

She made a face, "You mean _Brenda?_"

His eyes flashed and it took so much willpower not to rip her head off from the venom she used to ooze out Brenda's name. Who did this little piece of shit think she was? "Yes, I mean Brenda. _Why?_ Gotta problem with that?"

"Of _course_ I do! Don't you see? She doesn't deserve you! She isn't worthy!"

More like he wasn't worthy of her (but there was no way in hell he was going to admit that to this psycho).

"Don't you see, Lizard? You and I are meant to be!"—here Lizard blanched. _What?_—"We'll make the cutest and kickass couple! Lizard and Mary, more awesome and great than my sister, Sue, and Goggle!" Wait. Goggle was putting up with this psycho's _sister?_ … Did that meant his brother got the least delusional one? "_Ooh_, can't you see it Lizard?" See what? What was there to see _besides_ the fact that someone was let out of the loony bin? "We were, like, meant to be~!"

"…"

* * *

Brenda sighed, "_Again?_"

"It's not like anyone's gonna miss her." And it _was_ the truth – no one was going to miss some crazed, delusional girl named Mary.

"Seriously, where do they all come from? Is there some kind of factory producing them or something?"

"Huh? What'cha mean by that, Blondie?"

Her eyes made contact with his and – from the expression on her face – he knew that he was supposed to find these recent occurrences more odd than originally thought. But it's not like he wanted to attract these crazy bitches. The only one he did want was standing right next to him and he already had her (and she had him, but again that wasn't something he was going to openly admit to the world).

"Lizard, haven't you noticed a pattern here?"

No.

Should he?

"This is the sixth time for the past two weeks that you've killed someone by the name of Mary. Don't you think that's a little bit… odd?"

He shrugged, "The world ought to be thanking me for getting rid of these delusional women."

Boy, did Lizard hit the nail on the head on that one.

Again she sighed. But secretly she couldn't help, but agree with him. Bobby had been there to witness one of the attacks (a "flying glomp", as the second Mary had called it) on Lizard. And if all these women named Mary continued to do this… well… Brenda wouldn't blame her boyfriend for cracking their skulls open.

"Could you at least help Goggle out and save him from the woman called Sue?"


	2. Sue

**Title:** The Hills Get Spammed  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Fandom:** _the Hills Have Eyes  
_**Pairings:** Lizard/Brenda, Bobby/Ruby (they're only mentioned–slash–hinted)**  
Summary:** Goggle does a damn good job at doing what he does best. So then how come he couldn't spot these psychos sneaking in until it was too late? : Co-Written with _Apples_ :  
**Word Count:** 519  
**Author's Note:** Um… surprise! We get to see what poor Goggle had to go through with Sue while Lizard was dealing with Mary.  
I don't know if this means there'll be a Gary and Stu after this. I really don't. And neither does my friend. So yeah. We'll think about it and see if there'll be one or not.  
Thank you so much _Berry's Ambitions_, _Whisperer of Wintersilence_, _Dance Elle Dance_, and _Merciless Angels Never Cry_ for your lovely reviews. :) You're all awesome. :)  
**Warnings:** Language, Mary-Sue, and OOC-ness.  
**Disclaimer:** _the Hills Have Eyes_ and its characters respectfully belong to Alexandre Aja & Wes Craven. And we definitely do not own [nor want] Mary-Sue.

* * *

_The Hills Get Spammed_

* * *

Goggle does a damn good job at doing what he does best.

He's the watcher of Jupiter's Clan and keeps an eye out for any intruders coming their way.

… So then how come he couldn't spot these psychos sneaking in until it was too late?

Perhaps he's gotten a little rusty since they're no longer on the hunt for _humans_. Changes were made ever since the Carter family came into their territory and Lizard hooked up with the younger, blond female.

"GOGGLE~"

Said mutant cringes at the loud outburst and dread slowly pumps through his veins. This isn't normal, he knows, because this shrilly voice belongs to the same girl that they've killed _how many times now?_ It makes him wonder what the government has done now to create these _things_ that somehow keep finding them.

"OH, GOGGLE~ WHERE ARE YOU~?"

Again, he cringes at the sound of the voice calling out to him.

It's only been recently that he's starting to wish he had Chameleon's mutation. The guy blends in so well with the rocks that it's impossible for an outsider to see him when strolling by. But would that even help if he _did_ have Chameleon's mutation? No. Goggle knows what would help him. What would help him is if these psychos who share the same looks and the same voice and the same name would just stop appearing out of nowhere.

_That's_ what would help.

Plus he's tired of hearing Lizard's bitching about how he's failing to do his job.

It's not his fault, dammit.

And what's Lizard's excuse? He, Papa, and Cyst all witnessed how he (Lizard) choked the life out of the two females with his spike strip. So how come they're not staying dead?

What was it that Bobby said when he came to visit Ruby and heard the news about these two girls called Mary and Sue? "Maybe they're zombies"? Was that it? Were they zombies or something?

"COME OUT, COME OUT, WHERE EVER YOU ARE, GOGGLE-DEAREST~"

"…"

And Lizard shouldn't really complain anyway.

The girl chasing his brother isn't half as annoying as the one chasing him is.

Goggle reaches inside his coat to pull out his knife. Maybe if he's lucky he can slice the girl's throat and it would finally end.

Because, seriously, his skin crawls every time the female named Sue calls his name.

He freezes.

Oh God, _no_.

His knife…

It's not there.

It's not on him.

"GOGGLE-SWEETNESS, WHERE ARE YOU?"

Dammit! The voice is getting closer and he can't find his knife and—

His fingers come in contact with his walkie-talkie and he knows what needs to be done. He needs to radio Lizard and tell him to get his ass over here _now_. And hopefully finish the job that he can't seem to get done.

To his disappointment it's Brenda that answers him and _not_ his idiot of an older brother.

"_Don't worry, Goggle; I'll tell Lizard as soon as I find him and he'll be there in a jiffy_."

Goggle really does hope that'll be the case.

His ears are weeping with blood.


End file.
